You know the game. "I'm not reaching out until she does. Why should I apologize? She hasn't. I'm always the one initiating sex. She could plan the date for once. If she wants to talk, she can come talk to me." So you wait. And she waits. And now two people who love each other are sitting six feet apart, both waiting to see who moves first. That's stupid. And I've done it. I've felt the wall go up and known damn well it was there. Known I could walk across the room. Known I could reach for her. Known I could say something. And instead I've waited. Let's see if she comes to me. That's playing chicken with your marriage. And nobody wins. Something Daniel Grose said in his PATRIARCH Preview podcast has been sitting with me because I think it's the opposite of this. He and his wife had reached a place where they needed help in their marriage. He could have waited. Debated it. Asked her what she wanted to do. Asked her to find somebody and send him the information. Instead, HE moved. He found the counselor. Made the call. Arranged childcare. Made sure they could actually get there. After a few sessions, it wasn't a fit. So he asked his wife if she wanted to keep going. Her answer surprised him. What she said was essentially: I don't think I need to. The fact that you found the counselor, made the appointments, arranged the babysitter and made this happen was what I needed. I feel emotionally pursued. That's it. Not because Daniel magically fixed their marriage. Not because his wife bore no responsibility for it. But because he stopped standing back. And I think we need to be careful here, because passivity doesn't always look passive. It can sound incredibly accommodating. "What do you want to do? Where do you want to go? When do you want to do that? Do you want me to call somebody? Just tell me what you need." Sometimes that's consideration. But sometimes we're handing the responsibility for movement back to our wife and calling it being a good husband. Daniel talked about working 60-hour weeks trying to build a future for his family. He was providing. Working. Sacrificing. Doing what a good man was supposed to do.

Brothers — we’ve had two more men step into PATRIARCH this week. @Michael Kakovan @Bobby Jones — Welcome. I’m glad you’re here. This isn’t meant to be another community you join, scroll for a few minutes, and forget about. We’re building toward September 11–13, but the work has already started. Three mornings per week, I’ve been working on a Field Note from my own life into this room — marriage, fatherhood, self-regulation, faith, leadership, the places where I’m getting it right and the places where I’m still very much doing the work myself. I want you participating too. So if you joined us this week, introduce yourself below. Tell us your name, where you’re from, and answer one question: What’s the front in your life that needs your leadership most right now? Self? Marriage? Fatherhood? Finances? Leadership? Faith? You don’t need a polished answer. Just tell us where you are. 12 days until PATRIARCH. Don’t wait for the summit to begin the work. Welcome to the room. // Set the standard x Rob