I’m working on chapter 1 and curious if ppl have a phrase they resonate with more. I think much of society expects men to being mostly emotionless, besides anger, resulting in lack of emotional literacy. I might call this being a rock or her rock. Is a phrasing that feels more familiar?

We were 2.5 weeks postpartum with twins on mothersday, I wish I’d used all those moments of playing chess on my phone and scrolling to create more to honor Alyssa but here we are. I asked/told her I’d complete the project I wanted to make her for fathers day, and since we had so little capacity on mothersday, we’ll make this a joint parenthood celebration. She has been a clinical research associate and she went to her first industry conference back in December during second trimester. (She didn’t take any pics) and I watched her come back with a glow of joy being in her profession as the study she’s been working on is called paradigm and is changing the baseline protocol for how doctors will treat Acute Meyloid Luekemia. It’s a framed collage with her badge and lanyard and the presentation slides for the conference. And nodding the work she has put in and the impact the study will have.

’m working in worrying a chapter talking about some of the messaging we’ve received that’s led us astray. I feel like provider, aka reducing myself to a pay check has played a part but I know weve been pretty equal in our relationship financially. I think we’ve swapped back-and-forth being the top breadwinner five different times. How many of you recognize breadwinning and maybe excessive focus on bringing money in the home has been a contributor towards the situation. We are all in?

I don't want my sister in law to see this on line, so I'm going to both rant here and invite other people's experiences. In the last 4 years I've either been not invited to, or my wife has been invited but I haven't or men were not very present at Baby showers: Our babyshower: 4 guys, 30 women best man baby shower: not invited, but a bunch of our wives were Alyssa's brides maid: sister- in-law: Alyssa invited, no men invited really good friend: not invited our sprinkle for twins: I had to convince my mother in law and aunt in law to invite the men and boy cousins not just the women sister- in-law: Alyssa invited, no men invited This event feels like such a tone-setter for how the mental load and cognitive and emotional labor will be owned in the relationship. I think that if we want there to be less of a ton of bricks change in mental load ownership upon the children arriving, we need to include and do the emotional labor of having men be a part of these events. All of the items that show up for THE BABY, not the mom, that both parents will likely be using, become owned my mom because of the context they are given. Would love some thoughts on how your showers went/how it impacted the way you saw your fatherhood

Hey there, I'm really glad to find a community like this. I really want to become a full team with my wife in caring for our lives, but all the aspiration in the world doesn't help when we hit real world situations, and I'm hopeful I can have some breakthroughs by getting others' perspectives and input and through some of the guided materials here. The largest mental barrier for me in my efforts so far has been agreeing on the urgency or importance of different tasks. I tend to feel like everything important is more or less covered, and it doesn't matter if X isn't taken care of. I can sense that she's often actually correct in her view of things, but I struggle to fully see it that way without a clear explanation that brings me into feeling it the same way and/or seeing it as objectively true and not simply a preference that she has. It seems wrong to me to insist on anything that's a preference. Of course, asking for that kind of explanation is further mental load. One example is laundry. I would be fully comfortable if the laundry was never fully put away for the rest of our lives, and it seems to me that it does not in fact matter. She sees it as a barrier to enjoying our home as much as we could because it creates clutter in the guest room where clean clothes collect on the bed. I can get by for a while on the thought that "it's okay to do things only because that's how she wants them—that's love, right?" but after a while I find I can't sustain the effort when the truth is I just don't believe it's a real problem, and I'm ultimately just doing it to keep her from being mad at me. I just watched Zach's video on the "do better" loop last night and found a LOT to relate to in there. I've not seen this specific angle of things brought up anywhere, so I'm grateful for any insight you all might have in this area.