I've left it a bit long this time, the longer I go without sitting with psychedelics the more time my amygdala, the part of me designed to keep me safe, tries to convince me that delving into the unknown is a terrible idea. The idea of poking my head beneath the murky waters of everyday consciousness fills me with dread, yet I know different, I know that if i take that jump, ill be better for it. I had been building up to this, doing a few micro doses here and there to help soothe the quivering part of me thats afraid, bolstering my courage for this moment. "Its only 40mg" I tell myself, "it's okay". I hold the vial containing the suspended 4-AcO and close my eyes taking a deep breath. I pull up an intention of well being and hold that feeling in my chest. Taking the lid off, I drink the lot. The onset is rapid, I knew this would be the case. Within 10 minutes a feeling of "other" creeps up through my body. Not heavy like mushrooms, or electric like LSD, but a warmth spreading through my legs and abdomen and into my chest. I look to Tiff, shes on her phone texting, I tell her "I can feel it already" The sound of my voice is loud in my ears. She looks up at me "Are you okay?" I nod. The usual mental chatter has gone quiet as if my inner monologuing are birds in a forest, sensing a predator. The quiet unnerves me, the sound of my breath that of a deep rushing river, the gentle babbling of my chickens outside clear as a bell. I walk over to the windowsill and peer out onto the yard. A goose, Pam, looks up at me, his single eye seeming to penetrate my being. I smile. I know this, I am open. The warmth spreads through my legs to my toes, fingers and head. I can't help but tense my muscles, marvelling at the strength that I feel within them. I feel a "message", a "intuition", a "knowing". "This is your body" it seems to say "Feel its power" I smile again as the once deeply engraved pattern of physical inadequacy is challenged. It creeps up occasionally, when im stressed or tired, I hadn't realised i had been feeling that way. admonishing myself in secret for my own perceived physical imperfections. In its stead now, only love and gratitude.