When your spouse becomes triggered, your first instinct may be to explain, reassure, apologize, or make the conversation end. But reassurance given before understanding often feels empty. Use UVR: UNDERSTAND — 80% OF THE CONVERSATION Slow down and investigate what is happening inside your spouse. Ask: “What came up for you just now?” “What did this situation make you think might be happening?” “What are you most afraid this could mean?” “Is there something else underneath that?” Do not interrupt, correct details, defend yourself, or prepare your response. Stay in understanding until there is nothing left for them to explain. VALIDATE Validation is more than saying, “I understand why you feel that way.” Carefully repeat what you heard: “What I’m hearing is that when I came home late without communicating, it reminded you of the times I was hiding things. You felt anxious because you didn’t know where I was, and it made you afraid that I could still be deceiving you. Is that accurate?” When you can clearly explain what they are feeling and why they are feeling it, they feel heard—not managed. RESOLVE AND REASSURE Do not assume you know what will make them feel safe. Include them: “What can I do right now that would help reassure you?” “What could I do differently if this situation happens again?” Then make a clear commitment: “Next time I am running late, I will contact you before you have to ask. I understand that proactive communication is part of rebuilding safety.” WEEKEND EXERCISE Ask your spouse to share one recent trigger. Remain in understanding for at least five minutes before offering any explanation or solution. Your goal is not to end their feelings. Your goal is to understand them well enough that you can repeat their experience back accurately and then work with them to create reassurance. Real change is trained—not promised.

I recorded this because I want every one of you doing this work to understand something important: You can still turn your life and relationship around—but you must do it the right way. You cannot use more deception to repair the damage deception created. Even if withholding information or controlling the truth appears to work temporarily, it will eventually undo everything you are trying to rebuild. Your intentions must be pure, and those intentions must be demonstrated through the way you live: Complete honesty. Personal accountability. Truth—even when it is uncomfortable. This is not about becoming perfect overnight. It is about making the decision that you will no longer hide, minimize, manipulate, or protect yourself with deception. As you watch, ask yourself: Am I living honestly because I want to become trustworthy—or am I only doing enough to keep my relationship? Be honest with yourself. That answer will show you where your work begins.

Most unfaithful spouses had a moment of realization when I explained the 9 Stages to them. So it makes me curious what is yours? what were you confused about and which stage cleared it for you?

How do others handle when the betrayed partner responds to your explanation of root cause with anger, and when attempting to explain that root cause that is rooted in childhood trauma which led to inappropriate coping methods and actions, as an excuse. They feel that the decision is simple that I just chose to cheat on them and that it’s as simple as that just making a choice not to do something. I have attempted to explain that I’m not using my childhood trauma and incorrect coping methods as an excuse, but as an explanation which led to me justifying and escaping. And that knowing this helps me to be able to get to the root of the issue not just. “ not doing it” and actually being able to change.

Transformation begins with awareness. I’d love to know where you currently are in your journey. Which stage are you working through right now? • Stage 1: Cause• Stage 2: Emotional Effect• Stage 3: Interpretation• Stage 4: Desire• Stage 5: Action• Stage 6: Justification• Stage 7: Issues & Patterns• Stage 8: Origins• Stage 9: Cure Drop your stage below and share one insight, breakthrough, challenge, or question you’re currently working through. Remember: The goal isn’t to understand why you cheated. The goal is to discover the root causes and permanently change the patterns that made infidelity possible. Let’s discuss.