The prize is peace when I pause.

What do you think?

one of the hardest things to learn is that you can’t make people see what you see. you can explain it ten different ways. you can give advice. you can point out the pattern. you can tell them what you think. and they still won’t hear you. that’s where leaving people in their dignity comes in. it means letting someone make their own choices. it doesn’t mean you agree with them. it doesn’t mean you stay in places that aren’t healthy for you. it means you stop making someone else’s choices your responsibility. we all have things we need to figure out for ourselves. things someone could have warned us about, but we weren’t ready to hear. things we only understand once experienced. other people are no different. sometimes the best thing to do is pause. say what you need to say once. don’t remind them. don’t use their mistakes against them later. let them have their dignity. and give yourself dignity too. because trying to change someone is exhausting. it keeps you focused on their behaviour instead of your own. you can simply decide what you will and won’t participate in and leave the rest. that’s not weakness. it’s knowing where your responsibility ends. sometimes loving someone means helping. sometimes it means speaking up. and many times it means stepping back and letting them figure it out. pause. not everything is yours to fix.

https://youtu.be/k8gqQ6bZvXA?si=b2YwxS5Tkv-O_LTp

are you making decisions in the moment? often, we’re not. we’re responding from old patterns. someone says something that bothers us and we defend ourselves. someone disappoints us and we withdraw. we feel uncertain and so we try to control everything. these reactions can feel like us. but they may simply be conditioning. the first step is noticing you can’t change a pattern you don’t see. start paying attention to the moments when you react quickly. ask yourself: what just happened? what did i immediately feel? what did i want to do next? have i reacted this way before? you don’t have to judge the reaction, just be curious about it. do you say yes when you really want to say no? do you notice that criticism makes you defensive? do you notice that when you feel rejected you pull away before the other person can explain? this is where the pause raises awareness the pause creates a small space between what happens and what you do about it. someone sends you a message that irritates you? instead of responding immediately, pause. ask: am i responding to what is actually happening or am i responding to something this reminds me of? the pause gives you the chance to see the pattern before the pattern takes over. try a 10 second pause. you don’t need to meditate for an hour. try this: STOP. take one long slow breath. notice what is happening in your body. notice the thought you are having. notice the impulse. then ask: what would i choose if i wasn’t reacting automatically? sometimes you’ll still choose to speak. sometimes you’ll say no. sometimes you’ll walk away. the difference is that you’re choosing rather than repeating. start noticing your automatic moments for one week, don’t try to change yourself. just notice. notice when you: - over explain yourself - people please - become defensive - interrupt - shut down - reach for your phone - say yes when you mean no - try to control - avoid a difficult conversation - assume you know another person - criticize yourself when something doesn’t go perfectly