I’ve been off of this channel for a while. I’m going through what feels like the most painful experience of my life right now, and I’m looking for some spiritual perspective and guidance. I wake up every morning thinking about the betrayal and heartbreak, and my first thought is often, “I just want to wake up from this nightmare.” I haven’t been able to work properly, and this has been affecting me very significantly emotionally and mentally. My life feels completely shattered. My best friend Matt and I have been close for 17 years. I trusted him with my life. He had been there for me through previous betrayals and had actually helped me heal from them, so I never imagined that he could be the person who would hurt me this way. I was in a relationship with Vanessa for about five years. It was a very deep relationship, but also very unstable and painful at times. There was a strong push-pull dynamic. She told me many times that she loved me, that I was the only one, that she wanted to marry me and have children with me, and that she couldn’t stay away from me. We had many genuinely happy moments together. I have pictures of us laughing and being happy together that are very difficult for me to look at now. I was also there for Vanessa through some of the lowest periods of her life. I supported her when she was in the hospital for her mental health and when she was struggling deeply. I believed in her and saw potential in her even when she was at her lowest. Eventually she ended the relationship and told me it was unhealthy for her and that she didn’t want to get back together. I struggled enormously with letting go because I still loved her and had hoped we could eventually work things out. I’ve been trying to work on myself, especially around attachment, emotional reactions, meditation, surrender, and trusting God/the universe rather than trying to control outcomes. After our breakup, Matt needed a place to stay because of his work situation. He asked if it would be okay for him to stay with Vanessa for a maximum of three months. I said yes because I trusted him completely. I was acting as a friend who knew his buddy needed somewhere to stay. Her place was much closer to his work than mine, so it made practical sense. I also secretly hoped that having my best friend there might somehow help Vanessa and me find our way back to each other.

I think being aware about the law of attraction and having my whole feed spawn videos about mindfulness, intention setting, manifestation and stuff made me hyper aware of my thoughts leading me to over thinking and now I think it would’ve been better if didn’t know/care in the first place. Like I could say an affirmation 100 times in a row and someone can just say “hey don’t think about this bad thing from your past” and then instantly unravel that positive feeling I had minutes ago. This past week started off me feeling very triumphant and positive and then completely exhausted and ruminating. Honestly it’s really my 9-5 that makes it easy for me to slip into these negative thought forms. But yeah it’s really just your reactions u can control. But im gonna try and just let go of any assumptions or just not care at this point.

I go by Marlowe or Lowe. I’m 31. I love to study religion, spirituality, philosophy, and the occult; the older the source, the more excited I get. Some of my favorites are Nietzsche, R.D. Laing, Plato, and Crowley. I also read a lot of hermetic stuff, and mythology from…all over. I’m really excited to learn more. What I’ve learned so far, from Rey’s videos, has changed my perspective on…almost everything. I love that. I adore being challenged. I don’t label myself as anything specific (as far as religion or spirituality goes); I’m very eclectic. Hmm…I watch a lot of movies and shows. If I could use fictional characters to describe myself, I’d say I’m a healthy mix of Nick Miller, Dean Winchester, and Deadpool. I also write. Writing is…my thing. I throw everything I write up on wattpad. My old stuff is on vocal. I write about mental health and addiction, usually through a fantasy fiction/horror lens, and I hope someday I can help people in some way with it. As far as what I can add to this community, I have a bachelors in English and philosophy. I’m great at editing and discussions/dialectic…if anyone ever needed that. I work from home, so I have a lot of free time. It’d be cool to be a moderator eventually (once I’ve proven myself over time or survived a brutal trial of some sort, however you all do it here). I’m excited to be here. Thank you for the opportunity. Much love.