📅 Daily Check-in - September 4, 2026 💭 Reflection: "Just when I thought this journey couldn't get any tougher. Yesterday Mum & I had to make a heart wrenching decision. The decision was to pull all of Dad's heart meds. He was going to die through one of four possibilities: the rectal cancer with its secondaries, heart failure, COPD, and his circulation shutting off (arterial flow to his legs was very poor). What was the kindest way for him to die? IT certainly wasn't the rectal cancer and it's secondaries; we've seen evidence to that. The doctor said he could go at any time now and that we should spend as much time as possible with him. We haven't even told my siblings or the wider whanau (family) about this. We're just quietly absorbing it all in for the moment. At first when the Hospice Doctor hinted at this option, it threw me off track and my heart stopped for a beat. That was the last thing I was expecting - discussions around pain management yes, discussions around how he should die no. Once the initial shock passed, the observer that has grown in me, looked at Dad staring into space trying to hide the pain from Hospice and then at Mum, slowly wasting away with sheer exhaustion. I realised that agreeing to removing the heart meds was probably kindest on Dad and ultimately on Mum too especially as he's struggling to swallow the tablets now. So why does this feel so heavy? I've been preparing for this moment (well not quite this path) for a while now, since his diagnosis in February this year. Deep down this heavy feeling is because I feel as though I have issued the death warrant. I don't even think he's aware of what we've done - that's probably the hardest part to take in. So for now, we just take it day by day, waiting for the end to come." 📊 Wellbeing Scores: 😊 Happiness: 3/10 ⚡ Energy: 4/10 🎯 Focus: 4/10 😌 Calmness: 3/10 🌙 Sleep Quality: 4/10 🔥 Motivation: 4/10 ⭐ Average: 3.7/10 ✅ Activities from yesterday: 💧 Stayed Hydrated 🥗 Healthy Eating 🍺 No Alcohol

My lowest Harmony dimension: Physical health. Getting around with a cane, can't sit long, buried in appointments. It's the one that bleeds into all the others. Wind-down pattern I noticed: The hard part isn't starting, it's stopping. "One more level" on the game or "one more reply" on Skool, and I'm not down until 1-2am, so I wake up tired and it sets the whole day. Morning pattern I noticed: No set routine. Hobble to the bathroom with the cane, may or may not eat, one coffee, one mobile game, then straight to the laptop in back pain to run accounts or Amy's books. Busy all day, but I call it "nothing of importance." As to my open loops: I had two, and I did not close either this week, as I'm closing them on Day 5. Here it is in writing. They are: (1) call the insurance company about vision coverage for my son, and (2) call the company that sold us the Airbnb policy we never qualified for, since we're 75 miles out and a "trip" is defined as 100. I'm planning the calls today. I stalled because I don't want to get trapped in an Airbnb call that goes nowhere, and part of me knows the vision one is my oldest son's to make. He's nearly 21. But his ADHD runs harder than mine, and my wife handed it to me "because I have nothing else to do." And it made me feel: Low-grade dread and a quiet resentment. Dread of a dead-end call, resentment at carrying something that isn't fully mine, plus the old obligation click where someone else's task becomes mine by default. What surprised me: I call it "robot mode," but it's really a biological click, not a character flaw. A tired, under-fueled brain runs low on dopamine, so mid-task it grabs at whatever feels more finishable or more novel, and switches me there before I've decided to. That same switch is exactly what pulls me off the two phone calls: the brain steers away from the task with the anticipated dead-end and toward the quick hit of "done." It's not laziness. It's a dopamine-seeking nervous system doing its job a little too well.

Took the dog and walked to the UPS store. Sent back the package.

Today I piled (lol) my dishes beside the sink in neat order so they can be washed. Silverware are in the sink ready to for the next step. Plates will be after that then the bowls and finally the pots and pan. All neatly ready to go. The most dreaded thing i dispise in the world and I did it!!

if anyone has any tips on visualising your future self and really feeling that emotion I really struggle with this - feeling emotion for others I also find really difficult - but I can feel my own but I usually bottle it up …